Who can I trust? Tuesday in Holy Week

Have you ever felt betrayed, deceived, let down,disillusioned, hurt or rejected? I have certainly experienced this as much as any of you. It is pretty much universal human behavior. We loose respect and give in to our lower, darker angels. What was your reaction when this happened to you? I get angry, first, and then hurt after that. I, fortunately or unfortunately, tend to internalize things. I begin to wonder, was it my fault? What did I do or say that caused this other person to react so negatively? I have a little talk with myself to remind "me" that I probably didn’t do anything to deserve such treatment. Or if I did, it’s likely the reaction of the other person is exaggerated beyond what the offense may have been. Sometimes, someone else is just waiting to see you trip and fall; to break the glass shield and say, “Aha! I finally have something to bring against you. You’re not so perfect after all.”

It certainly hurts more when it’s a family member or a friend or a fellow parishioner, a priest or brother priest. It generally leaves us limited choices: flight or fight, defense or offense, revenge or forgiveness. I have to admit that at the very least to entertain thoughts of revenge may bring a sort of sick pleasure. I may plan and plot in my mind how to bring the fires of hell down on this person, hope they meet their demise in slow and painful ways like Chinese water torture, or better yet experience long, slow, painful suffering. Or, more common, I'll just spend the next 30 years gossiping about them and doing all I can to tear apart their reputation. This may feel all too familiar.

While such fictional, hopefully, scenarios may have a certain psychological affect upon us – its all right to imagine or write out such fantasies – its not all right to carry them out. That may be illegal (how about a few years or longer yet in the slammer?) or my plot may backfire upon me in the end. Or worse yet, I may become like them. What’s the answer?

Today’s Gospel in Tuesday of this Holy Week (John 13: 21-36, 36-38) is a story of betrayal, deception and failed friendships for Jesus. Today and tomorrow, by tradition called Spy Wednesday, we hear of Judas whose conspiracy against Jesus was hidden only to the Apostles but not to Jesus, and the tragic end that it became. But also, we hear of another failed hope - that of Peter. The wonder-boy of the Apostles, the first Pope. No plot or conspiracy against Jesus there, only human weakness in all its glory. In fact, it is Jesus’ darkest moment.

As John tell us, Jesus identified his betrayer by dipping a morsel of matzoh and passing it over to Judas seated near him that fateful night. The clueless Apostles were reeling from the shock of Jesus’ prediction that one of them would betray him and Peter impulsively, with all the best of intentions, states: “. . . I will lay down my life for you . . .” Poor Peter didn’t know his own limitations. Judas' betrayal was only once while Peter denied Jesus not once, but three times claimed, “Who me? I don’t know this guy!” This is a Shakespearian tragedy in all its darkness.

Four betrayals in the make leave Jesus three choices: to write them both off, to have them vaporized (he could have done that you know), or to later extend pardon. He does not seek revenge or plot against them. Later, we remember, he appears along the Sea of Galilee to his Apostles after the Resurrection. He doesn't zap Peter into oblivion but says to him, three times, “Do you love me?" Peter, I like to picture red faced through shame and embarassment but grateful for Jesus' mercy, says: "You know I do." But, sadly, for Judas, when the impact of his betrayal sunk in, which he carried out motivated by greed for thirty pieces of silver, despaired, hung himself, and so never had the chance to experience redemption from Jesus.

After some careful reading between the lines of the passion narratives, we might assume that Judas was deceived himself by the chief priests. Judas may have been under the impression that all they would do was arrest Jesus and maybe hold him for a while until the frenzy died down. He likely never imagined Jesus crucifixion was on their minds. I find it hard to conceive that Judas, who accompanied Jesus and his brother Apostles along the way, saw Jesus miracles, heard his teaching, and witnessed Jesus take on the humble role of a servant by washing their feet that night, would have turned against Jesus so totally to wish him dead. We will never really know. Would Jesus have forgiven Judas as he did Peter? I have no doubt he would have, even though Peter’s denial was more pitiful than plotting.

So, I might suggest we take some time today as part of our Holy Week reflection, to ask myself if I have some unresolved, hurt feelings that I continue to hold against my betrayers or detractors. We’ve all been hurt or we have offended others. It’s pretty much universal. And, we will be deceived again – or likely we will engage in such behavior ourselves. Imagine Jesus’ reaction to such turncoats as Judas and Peter. Such may bring us to resolve our differences or at the very least, to begin that process of reconciliation with the Judas or Peter in our own lives. If I have been a Judas or Peter myself, it’s time to get on with forgiveness.

My favorite, C.S. Lewis, offers an interesting perspective on this matter: “Forgiveness does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart – every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out . . . In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people’s we do not accept them easily enough.” (The Weight of Glory). Now, ponder that thought for a while.